Sunday, 19 December 2010

The Lady is not for waxing

You'll have noticed a new award has appeared on my blog site. Which Sheryl would describe as the ‘TITS’!
So as she was the last blogger I have decided to let you in on seven secrets about our Sheryl - 7 things only her belly dancing teacher would know!
She has a laugh like no other (an undisguised blessing)
Her timing is incomprehensible
Her diction betrays her origin; she is Australian and it shows; tomato sauce on everything
She once refused to eat octopus on TV
She has had her hand in more than one ewe and has even lambed one
She hates Country and Western music and is not too keen on The Beetles either
She sings along to Abba when no one is around
She once had a crush on her dentist - personally I think it was just the smell of rubber but then I am an erotic cynic

So this is me back after my guess blog decided to spill the beans on being single...She may as well have put a notices on her door.
No men; no sex; this lady is not for waxing!!
Well for a women who chooses to drink in The Argyll and O’leary’s Oyster Bar this is understandable. Pickings are grim.
Take the Argyll it is about as posh as peanuts on a paper plate. It’s the sort of place that has Iron bru (Scotland favourite orange coloured bubbly) on tap, karaoke on Friday night followed Bobby Bingo and his Wing Nuts (never stayed for that). Their idea of a buffet is a plate of cold chipolatas, some cheese and onion dip and a packet of whatsits with Shifty singing ‘My Way’ in background.
O’Leary’s Oyster bar ‘does’ Karaoke too. The difference is the Karaoke machine is a CD player from Tescos’ with a selection of ten songs written on the back of a beer mat. It’s run by Lumpy the postman and Mary a woman who dresses from Tesco and is not afraid to show it.
Chubby the butcher has a thing for me ... it all started when I was in her shop. I was standing there pondering the wisdom of beef olives when in walks Imogene – Imogene calls herself a calligrapher although why someone wants to advertise the fact that they write like monk is beyond me –
Imogene orders 4 links and some potted tongue then makes some remark about mutton: lamb and padded bar while looking at me!
Me with a padded bra; my Rodger would be livered;
Well I told Imogene where to shove her quill and Chubby was impressed. How do I know? Cause I got any extra link with my mince and a wee mention in the local paper about my exploits with the elderly folks and their rhythms.
Every week Chubby writes a small column in the ‘oot and aboot’ section.
She sees herself as a woman of wit and intelligence, whose talents stretched far beyond the realms of butchering.
Not that her butchering skills aren’t known; I mean her ability to sculpt meat into the tenderest of portions is the talk of the WRI. She has more customers than the Coop on Christmas Eve selling almost out of date B.O.G Offs...And her loins are spoken about in hushed tones..
Hector who owns the butcher shop says his sales have doubled and he is more than happy to indulge in Chubbie’s fantasy of being Lochgilphead’s answer to Oscar Wild.
‘For a lesbian built like a brick shithouse,’ she sure can sculpt a sentence he says. Rumor has it she can roll a rissole - construct a sentence and bone a joint all at the same time. What a woman.
I wonder if she waxes?


  1. The Seven Secrets of Sheryl was fascinating! Australian! Wow! Tomato sauce on everything! OMG! That's one Aussie thing I never do! I'd rather have vegemite with everything, ha ah!!

  2. There is no accounting for taste but the love of tomato sauce goes back many generations for Sheryl - she is also very partial to vegemite her mother used to put it into her bottle when she was a baby. I could say it explains alot but I am not sure what! She dose have a braw (scottish for amazing!) head of hair!

  3. All Australians sing along to ABBA, don’t they? Or, have I just watched Muriel’s Wedding too many times?

    And, do, please let us know if you find out whether or not Chubby waxes. That’ll be playing on my mind all over Christmas now.

  4. I shall investigate for you but she is a woman of great taste after all she fancies the great nefertiti

  5. Hi Kerrie. It's like you have created a crazy fantasy world that you live in! A bit like Mask really. Thanks for the laughs.
    May you and all of your loved ones have a wonderful Christmas and New Year with best wishes from Bazza of ‘To Discover Ice’

  6. thanks B
    I am glad I make you laugh I hope that as you read this on boxing day you are basking in the glow of a special christmas with all your family

  7. Dear kerrie,
    This was funny, a touch surreal, but oh so funny.
    Trouble is, after reading this, I've got that darned song 'Dancing Queen' spinning around in my silly little mind.
    Do take care, my friend.
    Here's hoping that 2011 is better than 2010.
    G :-)


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