Saturday, 1 June 2019

The Riding Of A Hosptial Trolley




It was a horse but not as you'd know it.

Dive into my short story, a true story about a time I would do anything for attention. Although what is fact and what is fiction I let you be the judge…

I was promised a stallion, large, white and decorated like a Celtic Christmas tree and I pictured me, on that horse, with a war cry to silence a town.

Nobody mentioned anything about paper mache…

The theme was Celtic hero's and I was chosen to play Boudicca. I had been promised a lot -except for a costume and a fee and was looking forward to the big adventure.

After all, I was the main attraction.

My pal says "I would do anything for attention," she says, that I'm "so driven for an audience that I would sell not only my soul but my best friend, my matching mugs and the secret recipe for long life, lighter than air, mayonnaise."

Of course, I disagreed with her, I have no idea how to make mayonnaise.

I stood outside the community center as 'it' rolled up the car park. I heard the squeak of the hospital trolley before I saw it and my heart began to pound. A giant, paper mache, shire horse appeared from around the corner, supposedly rooted to a hospital trolley despite its mid-trot pose; and before I had time to ditch my tartan and run, I was up a fireman's ladder astride a horse so wide it required a yoga position to balance.

With my pelvis locked into some sort of childbirth position that made even coughing uncomfortably, I looked about for escape.

The parade headed for the top of the main street with a 'braw view 'of the loch. I clung on with my flexible pelvis working overtime as three rope holders pulled the horse to the top of the hill.
I stared down at the pipe band standing to attention, not a sound.

"What have we stopped for," I shouted into the wind.

"The storyteller, " said the rope holder at the front, "Once she's finished we can head off, and then the Celtic wars will begin."

The judo team stood behind me. Celtic warriors and Judo is a slim connection, but apparently, with enough blue paint it is believable. And the crowd loved them. They began to chant. The judo team inspired by the chanting and the lack of adults began to push -egging each other on. They were fed up waiting, they had had enough of a storyteller they couldn't hear.

"Freedom" shouted a voice from the crowd.

"Bring on the warriors," shouted another.

"She's finished, let's go," said the led warrior.

Inspired by their leader the judo team filled their lungs and let forth a war cry. The crowd joined in as the local youths rampaged down the street like a Kung Fo film past me and my brakeless trolley.
The rope holders didn't stand a chance.

"Stop," shouted one of the rope holder as the warriors swept past him.

He grimly hung onto the rope until a girl raced past. She, lost in the moment yelling, "you can take our homes, you can take our mobiles, but you will never take our freedom," grabbed him and he lost his grip.

I watched him disappear into the distance.

With only one rope holder left the trolley staggered, tilted and began to roll, faster and faster… 

"We've lost it," shouted the other boy who vainly tried to hang on until he skidded on a chip wrapper and fell to the ground. I looked back to see him sprawled on the tarmac, arms outstretched shouting,

"Nooooo…"

The trolley picked up speed.

The pipe band scattered like sheep as my trolley rampage through the band. I clung onto the paper reigns like my life depended on it; which was as much use as toilet paper. One tug and the reigns cascaded down the road joining the rope holder sprawled on the road.

I rolled down the street, my arms flapping about like a cartoon chicken. I looked as much like a great warrior as Marg Simpson and was now screaming like her.

I passed the pipe major. He, a round man of sixty made a dive for the horse's leg, missed and fell to the ground. Within an instant, he was up- running like a stunt man half his age. He hurled himself at the trolley; wrapped one arm around its leg, and then used his legs as a break. His kilt flapped in the wind like a flag revealing a true Scotsman with a fine set of jewels -as impressive as his much talked about sporran …

I sailed, bumped and skidded past the Viking boat, knocking over the quartet, a few bins, and a paper mache beaver. The pipe major hung on, digging his heels into the ground.

"Come on lads," he shouted. "She heading for burger van, that thing will blow."

The pipe major's words moved many men who grabbed the trolley from all sides. They slowed the trolley down until, with a mere plop and a mountain of grunts I landed on the green, just shy of the burger van.

Not a roll was disturbed.

The crowd cheered as they circled around the pipe major.

"Best parade ever," muttered an elderly woman, her eyes on the pipe major sporran.

After all a parade without a burger van, is like a pipe major without his sporran."

first published on www.kerrienoor.com

Kerrie Noor Is A Comedy, Romance & Sci-Fi Author based in Scotland. Explore her recent work on Amazon or contact her for more information.

Monday, 6 May 2019

Fire Walking




Tir na nOg is a magical place where, if fairies lived would come to party, dwarfs to tell stories, and angels to meet for supper, knit and swap recipes over homebrew.

It is a place where trees, wild garlic, and cows sit side by side with fairy lights, massage and homemade soap, a place that makes you forget your hangover, traffic lights, and phone. And a place where people meet, laugh and share, while crows nesting above squawk their lungs out.

I was there for fire walking, fire performances, and a very large green man…

The Beltane festival.

I, a virgin fire walker vaguely wondered if it would hurt? My two pals swear by the powers of fire walking. They talked of their first time like I would my first kiss/shag/blowjob (depending on the listener). And they have been back several times; consoling until you think of childbirth-women return to that too.

I mean why walk on coals, what is the point? And if I did find the point, would my feet benefit, loss their cracked skin, soften the callouses, did magic happened on a foot?

It’s not even on my bucket list; not that I have one, apart from leaving a ton of books behind when I am no longer here. But I was curious and had a vague idea for a scene in a future book, so I told myself…

As we prepared to walk, I along with the forty odd walkers listened to the inspiring fire-walking instructor. A woman with Lady Godiva hair that talked with great wit of “burning past shit and walking to greater things”.

I thought I had nothing to burn, I racked my brains over a vegan chapatti. I was already walking towards what I wanted was there something else? And what if I wanted too much and didn’t get it? Would I burn my soul for an empty dream?

We lined up by the coals.

“Jesus,” I said, “it’s red”.

“Red is the colour of womanhood.” Muttered a voice from somewhere.

“Not at my vintage,” I laughed into the midnight air.  

I made jokes about flammable foot lotion and nail polish, how I had “I picked a good day to wear flares.”

A few laughed…this was good stuff I thought, fear brings out the comedian in me-better than alcohol.

Of course, I fear everything from old ladies jumping in front of me at co-op queue, to needles, and driving around huge roundabouts-thank God I am not a lorry driver or a diabetic.

I stared into the burning ambers watching everyone line up for their walk. There is something about sharing apprehension while slipping off your shoes amongst strangers in the dark. Blood bank springs to mind and as I laughingly cracked a similar joke the first of the walkers started.

I watched as one prayed before walking, another marched, face serene.

I waited for my turn mentally chanting…
At one with the fire at one with the fire….
I skipped across the burning embers swearing as the fire oblivious to our oneness burnt the soles of my friggin feet.

Standing on the cool wet grass I watched as the others did it again…again!

Some strutting and one like me stumbling with ‘bloody hell that’s hot” look and finally two girls holding hands ending with a tearful hug.

The crowd watched and cheered.

“Marvellous,” said one.

“Wonderful,” said another.

“I walked three times.” Said one virgin.

My feet were burning. There was no way I was walking on that bastard again.
But then I am not a great believer in new begins. I have had as many as I have new hair colours and like hair dye new beginnings never lasts- there is always shit days and shit thoughts and old ladies who queue jump.
Walking on fire didn’t do it for me and I don't have any desire to do any more although my feet do feel a lot cleaner and lighter. But the gathering of people is a beautiful thing and sharing in their hopes, dreams and fears can be life-affirming.

The fire afterward was spectacular, we walked through woods with fire batons. I felt like I was in Shakespeare’s A Midsummer Night’s Dream, except the only Queen of fairies was in the gift shop.

That next day as I stood in the co-op check out queue my feet crying out for some foot cream, my 
hubby rang.

“Were you drunk last night,” he said.

I did waffle on a bit about A Midsummer Night’s dream.

“No, but my feet feel fabulously clean,” I said.

“Your feet you need to be kind to that hard skin.” He said.

I thought about my callus did it look just a bit smaller? And was just about to share this revelation with said hubby when before me squeezed a pensioner as old as Midsomer Murders pushing a trolley load.

I brazed myself for the queue jump when she turned, looked at my single purchase of foot cream and said. “You first, I’ll be ages with this lot.”

Kerrie Noor Is A Comedy, Romance & Sci-Fi Author based in Scotland. Explore her recent work on Amazon or contact her for more information.

First published on www.kerrienoor.com

Monday, 22 April 2019

Brexit The Planet Hy Man Way



Dive into Pete’s log, an android from planet Hy Man.

He has a way of looking at things that has you wondering, laughing, and at times, glad you’re not a robot on a strange planet.

Pete is a robot that bends like playdough, smells like something familiar and, for those into licking… tastes like something you’d like to lick again…

Mex has licked once, by mistake, in the dark. It’s a story involving a power cut, candles, and a storage heater. A story both Mex and her robot Pete agreed to “keep to themselves’ as the licking of robots by a Man Spy is strictly prohibited on planet Hy Man and, judging by Bunnies’s reaction, not much admired on earth.

Please read on...

I have spent the last month listening to the radio while learning to drive and my confusion has reached greater depth than when Bunny tried to explain to me the “keep em keen treat em mean” approach favoured by both her and her so-called platonic pal Don.

A platonic relationship which as Woody maintains is as plausible as him being a “six-foot giant,” and as Woody struggles to reach the top shelf of a news-stand, I assume he is being sarcastic.

Woody's sarcasm has reached new heights since trying to teach me to drive. Which if I had a heart, I would find hurtful. I mean it was he who talked me into it, claiming that teaching me would be a breeze.

“You’re a robot,” he said. “Driving should be like second nature to you.”

I didn’t the heart to tell him I am a robot of great flexibility and not designed for mechanical things. When I turn my head, it swivels 180 degrees which makes exiting a roundabout about as safe as lighting a fire blindfolded with a flame thrower.

Mex, however, tried to educate Woody, not easy when sucking on a mega sour apple. Now completely off the sugar, she was working her way through whatever she could find to suck, and she looked like she had a mouthful of vinegar.

“Only the lowest order robot drive on Planet Hy Man,” said Mex wiping a dribble from her chin.

Woody looked at her and laughed-spurning Bunnie into action.

“If you're going to teach X man (referring to me) to drive then we are coming too. You can take us to Asda.” She said.

“Asda?” Said Woody, “what about the roundabouts…the junctions.” He looked from me to Bunnie. 

“He’ll never make it.”

Bunnie unmoved had made her mind up, she was hellbent on finding Mex something sugar- free, dairy-free and as they were going to Asda, cheap as chips.

“If you must suck on things,” she said to Mex “then at least choose something softer, tastier and…”

“Lick-able?” Muttered Mex followed by a forget I said that blush.

“I was actually going to say something less dribble-ie.” Muttered Bunnie bristly shoving Mex out the door.

I wanted to impress my friend, show him what I was made of, so I didn’t argue. And when the two women flopped into the back seat giggling about “standing on ceremony” and “this will be a hoot.” I let my head back with my best care-free laugh, flicked the car into gear, turned the ignition on and stalled it.

Which being as it was an automatic had them all, I think, impressed…

Mex and Bunnie sniggering like school girls began flicking through the radio channels…they had a love for all things newsie; obsessing about Brexit, independence and the need for coexistences.

“Isn’t that a contradiction in terms?’ I said finally starting the car.

Woody told me to concentrate and as we headed towards the first roundabout my stomach lurched.

It was the size of a launchpad which Woody explained was a bonus. The size scared me, I began circling it fearing the exit and after the fourth circle, Woody began to grind his teeth as Bunnie joked about “dogs chasing their tails”.

After the fifth circle, Woody gave up reassuring me favouring instead an army like order.

‘Forget about Brexit and take any frigging exit.” Were his exact words…

I, in the middle of trying to understand the difference between a speed sign, the actual sped of a car and the rich tapestry of fingers gestures, stalled yet again.

His shouting didn’t help, and I was just thinking of telling him as much when a horn blasted from a juggernaut of a lorry loomed up my rear.

Even the women stopped laughing.

‘Just frigging indicate and exit.” Woody hissed.

As I headed off some exit to god know where Bunny started talking of “political exits”, “dickheads in power, and “it is all going nowhere just like “X man here”.

“There is always someone uselessly tooting his horn.” Said Bunnie.

And Mex, instead of her usual “she doesn’t know what she talking about” comment agreed, even laughed when Bunnie asked, “if Hy Man also sported dickheads”.

“We had a Brexit type thing once on planet Hy Man,” said Mex, “the men tried to leave, set up somewhere else. They talked of truth, justice, and the manly way …it lasted as long as their so-called, manly ways did. In the end, they ran out of hemp, water, and matches.”

“This is why I didn’t want you to come.” Said Woody “how can anyone concentrate when you two talk bollocks?”

I took a deep breath and tried a few calming yoga mantras. I had just stopped at the traffic lights and was in the middle of attempted a hand brake start despite Woody insisting that a hand brake was not necessary. Woody was giving me the tutting of a lifetime and I was frazzled.

“Forget about all this Brexit bullshit.” He said. “Let's just get to Asda.”

I nodded to the finger gestures from the cars behind. “Are they laughing with me or at me?” I said.


‘Neither,” muttered Woody and finally took over.

As we headed into Asda I for the first time went straight for something sweet, sickly and long.
Mex laughed “something to lick?” she said at the cashier.

The attendant with a look of disdain on a par with the juggernaut driver asked Mex to leave.

“This is a family establishment,” she said showing Mex the door.

“It seems leaving Asda is a lot easier than other exits,” I said to Woody he laughed and this time it was Mex turn to mutter “dickheads”.

First Published www.kerrienoor.com

Kerrie Noor Is A Comedy, Romance & Sci-Fi Author based in Scotland. Explore her recent work on Amazon or contact her for more information.

Monday, 8 April 2019

Marmite

Marmite by Kerrie NoorScottish Author | Author in Scotland | Sci-fi Author Scotland | Romance Author ScotlandScottish Author | Author in Scotland | Sci-fi Author Scotland | Romance Author Scotland



It was in 2006 and my first novel was still a mere baby of funny scenes strung together and I was under the illusion that it was the next Brigid Jones-and more. I along with six other Scottish writers had been offered a place on a weekend retreat. 

We were all working on our first project.

It was a weekend full of workshops, great food and an audience with a well-known agent.
I truly believed I had written a best seller. I was so excited, so close to my dream I couldn't touch my breakfast. 

Instead, like the others, I waited.

The agent was a woman with a packet of cigarettes a day voice and she didn't mince her words.

“You’re too coarse,” she said, “I mean describing her breast as…” she flicked through her notes “elephant ears?” She looked at me “why would you do that?”

“Is it not funny?” I muttered.

She didn’t even answer but instead gave me half an hour of her time. I took a page full of notes and tried not to think too much about my English teacher. She always sent my stories back covered in red marks and comments such as…

“I find this hard to believe.”

“Is there such a word?”

“Were you drunk when you wrote this?”

Her idea of constructive criticism was to tell me to get a job in MacDonald’s where “no spelling was required!”

I wandered the beach crying into my phone, ““what will I do if I can’t write,” I said to my pal. “I may as well…join a commune, take to chocolate, it’s all so hopeless.”

“Writing is like marmite,” she said sagely. “You either love or hate it-lukewarm, does not cut it with Marmite.”

For those of you who have never heard of Marmite, it is something very British, salty and considered good for you. Yeast in a dark sticky mass you either spread thick as you can on toast-like me or gag at the mere thought of unscrewing the lid.

My pal then launched into a list of writers from Ernest Hemingway to Agatha Christie who all experience wrist slashing reviews. Not one writers of comedy however were mentioned.

“What are you trying to say?” I said, “I should be writing mysteries; fishing for marlin?”
“Can you not take out the elephant description?” she sighed.

In truth the writing wasn’t finished. Once my tears were wiped away, I reread my notes re-grouped and re-plotted.

Years later, my first book rewritten, edited and self-published, a reader wrote to me, I love your book,” she said. “It touched me, and I laughed out loud.” A husband whose wife “just loved the book” asked me for an autograph. And my daughter’s friend, an English student, said “there is more to your book than first appears, worth a second read.”

Of course, the same book has received some pretty hurtful reviews too, some along the lines of “impossible to read”; “utter rubbish,” and as funny as a road accident” nothing I can’t handle without a jar of marmite by my side.

The lesson learned…
  • One reader’s funny bone is another readers snooze button.
  • What some called “racy and fast-paced” others call “impossible to follow”. And what some call a “cracking caste of full body characters” others called a “confusing entourage of women who do not attract a second read…”
And
When you think your work is finished your probably halfway there and steer clear of comic descriptions involving elephants.

Kerrie Noor Is A Comedy, Romance & Sci-Fi Author based in Scotland. Explore her recent work on Amazon or contact her for more information.
 Rebel Without A Bra' is also now available via Smashwords, Kobo and Nook Ibooks and Amazon


Monday, 25 March 2019

The Polishing Of A Knob




Scottish Author | Author in Scotland | Sci-fi Author Scotland | Romance Author Scotland

Dive into Pete’s log, an android from planet Hy Man.

He has a way of looking at things that not only makes you sit up; but ponder a world without drivers, teachers, and voting booths. Pete is still trying to understand the difference between English spoken by the English, English spoken by the Scottish and English spoken by those, not from England or Scotland.
Mex, his boss tries to help but as gravity is playing havoc with her hormones. She spends a lot her time feeling hot, cold and then all “weird and tearful.”
Please read on…

“February is a month never spoken about on Planet Hy Man,” I said to Bunny.

Bunny a master of multi-tasking was spring cleaning and listening. While Mex was sitting on the couch, feet up trying to get to grips with the Radio Times.

Bunny muttered a “hmmm.”

“We used to celebrate it when men were more than footmen and enjoyed festivals, dressing up and coming home to a woman pleased to see them.’ I said. “Back in the days when automation was on the cusp of existence.”

“March, on the other hand, is a month of cleaning,” muttered Mex.

“And what the hell is a footman? said Bunny. Working up a shine on the tv screen.

“March,” I continued. “Is a month of celebration for us on Planet Hy man. It is the anniversary of the first egg fertilization and the slow decline of men and their festivals.”

“It’s celebrated by wearing giant Petri dishes on one’s head,” muttered Mex turning the magazine upside down, the TV guide really threw her.

Bunny stopped ‘what’?

“And for those who can’t afford a Petri dish anything that looks like a large Petri dish,” I said.

“Aye right.” Muttered Bunny returning to her polishing.

“A month where women are “tickled pink” and “spring into action at the drop of a hat,” I said.

“Or pertinent dish if you want to get technical.” Said Mex with a flick of a page.

“You’re taking the piss.” Said Bunny.

“The first day of March is spent filling one’s Petri dish with freebies. The markets are free, and the lower level Building of Opulence is open to all.”

“Women go crazy.” Muttered Mex.

“I find that hard to believe.” Said Bunny.

“And create such a mess that it takes the rest of the month to clean up,” I said.

“March is a month hated by the cleaning team,” muttered Mex rotating the new page with a confused look.

Bunny stopped in her tracks, “wait a minute, you have a building called Opulence?”

“Well yes,” I said.

“Why would you call a building Opulent.” Said Bunny.

‘Figure of speech, Mam”.

“It more a statement,” said Mex tossing the magazine aside with disinterest.

“Of what?”

“Well, opulence, it’s not for everyone I guess.”

Bunny admired her polished TV. “Yes, we all know that,” she said flicking imaginary dust from the top. “But what is opulence in your world?”

“How would I know?”

Bunny looked at her.

“Anything that is in the building of opulence Mam,” I said.

“And what is that?” Said Bunny.

“I don’t know.” Sighed Mex. “I have only been to the Room with a View for orders. I am not a voted in. I am only allowed up the back entrance.”

Bunny moved onto the door surveying the finger marks, she let Izzy in. “I have spent the last month trying to understand a world where men are footman; whatever that is.”

“Men who stand to attention mam, and retrieves things, sort of like a… retriever…”

Bunny eyed me with the sort of look she called cryptic “really?”

Izzy barked, jumped up on Mex lap his favourite place.

Mex cooed.

“We don’t have dogs on planet Hy man mam.”

“That explains a lot, except…” Bunny eyed Mex talking gibberish to Izzie. “You're the great man spy who rid Planet Hy Man of all men-kicked them out.”

“More kicked to the gym Mam.”

“You made it all possible.”

“Well yes.”

“Why the back entrance?”

“Voted in are easily pleased mam, their idea of opulence is anything others can’t afford.”

“And?”

So, Mex and the like choose what to make unaffordable and…”

“Who’s a cute boy?" Mex cooed at Issy.

“Insightful.”

“Turns a vote it is a voted in male or female,” I said.

“I see,” tutted Bunny.

“Manipulatable.”

“What some would call a knob.” Said Bunny now polishing one.

Mex and I confused looked at each other until Bunny gave a way too in-depth description of the true meaning of a knob where as she put it, polishing was negotiable.

“So, the polishing a knob,” I said, “is a term best keep in the same sentence as a duster.”

“Or Mr. Sheen.” She chuckled.

“On our planet,” muttered Mex “polishing is strictly for the robots.”
Kerrie Noor Is A Comedy, Romance & Sci-Fi Author based in Scotland. Explore her recent work on Amazon or contact her for more information.
Rebel Without A Bra' is also now available via Smashwords, Kobo and Nook Ibooks and Amazon





Wednesday, 13 February 2019

Another Day Another Blog


I grew up in “seventies Essendon”, a suburb of Melbourne and a stone’s throw from Moonee Ponds-Dame Edna territory. As a kid, I met many Dame Edna like women including some of my family.
My parents spent their time 'doing up' the house which in the 70's meant, large flowery wallpaper, brown and green carpet, and wood everywhere. It was like living in a sitcom.

I remember coming back from Scotland having learned how to cook in a hotel. I made egg mayonnaise and lasagne for tea.

“Easy on the garlic,” said my mother tight-lipped. “You know what your father’s like.”
My father looked at it made some comment about “a waste of mince,” then poked at the white sauce. “Is that smelly cheese?”

No one touched the egg mayonnaise.

“It’s homemade,” I said, referring to the mayonnaise, not the egg. Forgetting completely my parent’s low fat, keep your heart-healthy diet, my sister’s dodgy fat averse stomach, and my brother's sniff and I don’t think so approach. Expecting my family to embrace seventies British cuisine when even my nana’s tomato chutney was seen as “alien” was like expecting Dame Edna to throw a compliment to her audience.

Two hours later my dad was at the chippy oblivious to me sulked in front of the Two Ronnie’s. My first “know your audience or die" moment had been painful.

As a comic writer finding my audience has not been easy.

One man’s funny bone is another man’s snooze button, and one woman's joke is another woman's insult. But I have found reading my work out loud helps, especially to a group of readers on their second glass of wine.

So here is my read to you, Bunny and her bouncy chest, inspired by none other than Benny Hill and Rosanne Barr.

Enjoy, I hope you laugh and if you don’t, try watching again after a glass or three.


First Published on www.kerrienoor.com


Kerrie Noor Is A Comedy, Romance & Sci-Fi Author based in Scotland. Explore her recent work on Amazonor contact her for more information.
Her new book 'Rebel Without A Clue' is now available via SmashwordsKoboand Nook Ibooks.

Saturday, 26 January 2019

Once Videoed Twice Shy



Dive into Pete’s log, an android from planet Hy Man.

His manager, boss, and person of significance is Mex. A woman who was a hero on planet Hy Man capturing men with her thighs of steel. Now on earth, her thighs are more like jelly, squashing a grape is about all she can manage.  And while Pete has spent his time trying to understand the difference between a virgin train and a virgin bride. Mex has spent the last month going “cold turkey” not with the Christmas leftovers but with sugar itself.

Please read on…

January 2019-A Trifle Sweet

Woody calls women complicated but not as complicated as Mex and her video. Bunny didn’t call it complicated she called it a pile of cat litter. And after Woody explained to me what cat litter was, I tended to agree with her.

Mex had no idea that we had all watched her video. She was too busy trying not to think about sugar. It wasn’t easy, she dreamt the dreams of an addict, of a Man Spy gone wrong. She sweated and shook until her first cup of coffee in the morning and then had to face the day with only Bunny’s turkey sandwiches to keep her going and no amount of mayonnaise was going to make that fun.

The festive season was open house season for Bunny, who claimed Hogmanay (New Year) was owned by the Scots.

“A time of seeing out the old and bringing in the new,” she said. “With food, booze and friends that not only don’t stand on ceremony but friends that did.”

A ploy if you ask me to get rid of the remains of Christmas turkey which had made its way into every dish imaginable except perhaps for a trifle.

Turkey is not all it’s cracked up to be in fact it reminds me of the sort of whiffy soya I often found in Mex’s fridge after a week away at rebooting camp.

“Home cooked food is the key,” Bunny said rolling handfuls of minced turkey into balls, Mex at first was convinced until asked to stir a pot of bones for stock. It was a stock cube too far and it nearly had her reaching for Bunny’s Toblerone. 

Mex was on the verge of mutiny when the first Hogmanay guest arrived. She took one look at Mex’s flustered face and recognized her on YouTube. Apparently, videos of cat litter quality abound on YouTube especially cats and Christmas tree, and Bunny had seen an opening. Mex scaling a Fibre Optic tree behind a cat was making her more money in ads than her dating agency. Bunny was a wiz on the internet.

“You’re the cat on a tree girl, who scaled a Fibre Optic” laughed the guest, “excellent.”

Mex with a confused look offered her a turkey ball then marched back to the kitchen. Peering through the steam, she shouted: “What’s a Fibre Optic?”

Bunny pouring herself and extra-large gin looked up.

“Fibroids Hun are the Bain of woman’s life, my mother, God rest her soul could hardly walk because of them,” she sipped “no, sorry, that’s haemorrhoids. Fibroids are more …how you say, delicate.”

“I see, so climbing them this is possible?’

“Hardly,” said Bunny choking on her gin. 

It took Woody whose sense of hearing is on a par with a sheepdog to clear the air and once cleared, it dawned on Mex the reality of her video. For a moment Mex almost lost her resolve, poised by the trifle with a lustful look she turned to Bunny.

“My cat video, you said you’d destroy it.”

“Destroy I don’t think I said that dear.” Said Bunny with a sheepish look.

Mex was speechless a woman as blunt as a woman’s leg razer, she always spoke the truth. And here was Bunny her so-called mentor spinning tales over the rim of her gin.

“Step away from the trifle ma’am” I said, “custard is not the answer.”

Mex caught my eye and dug deep into her Man Spy resolve, I could see beads of sweat form at her brow. With true Planet Hy Man nerve, she picked up the trifle and took it into the living room. A room full of elderly neighbours talking of the good old day when TV was a four-channel affair of knob turning and remote controls were things for landing spaceships on the moon.

“Spaceships on the moons,” laughed Mex dumping the trifle on the table, “how quaint”.

A splurge of sugary cream dribble onto the table and Mex without thinking lifted it with her finger.

“Stop,” I shouted, as Woody made a dive for Mex’s finger missing her completely thanks to Bessie the cat.

Mex's forefinger poised in the air as the sugary cream oozed down the side of her hand said nothing.

“The best thing to do with that,” said an elderly gent “is to lick it, there is nothing a good lick can’t fix.”

A few of the others chuckled.  Mex, however, remained silent she was at the crossroads of addiction, “to lick or not to lick” she said. Then thrust her hand at Bessie and looked at me.

“Once videoed twice shy,” she muttered.

"Ma'am," I said. "I cannot but concur."




Orginally published  www.kerrienoor.com 
Kerrie Noor Is A Comedy, Romance & Sci-Fi Author based in Scotland. Explore her recent work on Amazon or contact her for more information.

Her new book 'Rebel Without A Clue' is now available via Smashwords, Kobo and Nook Ibooks.



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