Wednesday, 29 December 2010

Charlie's Missionary Impossible

Rodger got very excited on Boxing Day. He had decided to stuff the turkey curry and feed it to the birds instead. He was outside my abode merrily tossing the parson’s nose across the lawn when a seagull dive bombed and nearly missed the elderly bread throwing neighbour.

‘To compete with the parson’s nose’ she mumbled into her day old crust, ‘is a mission impossible.’

And it was if a blow torch lit up in my lover’s bald spot.

‘I have a novel in me’ he shouted up at my boudoir window.

‘Well don’t sit down,’ came a voice from the washing green.

Ignoring the voice from the washing green, my Rodger carried on shouting. ‘Missionary Impossible a Sci Fi for the dyslexics.

Now the only impossible missionary I know takes an afternoon on pints followed by an evening on whisky ...thank god my Rodger doesn’t not drink.

Rodger raced up the stairs and as he lunged for the chandler he shouted, ‘a heroine called Sheila, a whip and a midget called Woody, what you think my little sugar lump?’ (He only ever mentions my sugar lumps in a totally state of creativity).
And as I watched my little love pot swing his torso with more gusto than a chimp on speed I began to ponder.

How many times do you look at you mobile after first date, worst still after the first lumber (Shag for those not Scottish), worst still when they both happened at the same night? Not the sort of question you would expect from a pensioner, especially one who is being entertained by myself at the Rest & be Thankful Nursing Home.

Still she seemed more that enthusiastic when my Rodger pulled out his Zills during the performance. In fact she grabbed them and with remarkable timing started belting out Auld Lang Syne on them. Rabbie Burns would have been fair impressed.
Well she and the other followers at the R & B T will no longer be privileged to hear Rodger’s Zills. He has taken to the shed; yes by the washing green and can be heard muttering to himself - ‘no Sheila not the whip’ , ‘Woody! Woody! the Starship’s out of diesel’.

And as for my chandelier, it suspends silently on my bedroom ceiling barely managing more than a tilt when the bin men's lorry drives by.


  1. Very good and this comment will self-destruct in 5, 4, 3....
    Now then, I'm from Canada and I've been learning a few British expressions. "merrily tossing the parson’s nose.." Yes, I heard what 'tossing' can mean, over here. And 'shag', I thought that was some kinda' carpet. Oh...I see, it means that. Well, that gives 'carpet laying', a whole new meaning:-)
    Seriously funny posting, kerrie. And, as for your chandelier, happy tilting....
    Take good care, friend. I do so wish for you to have a peaceful and positive New Year.
    In kindness and respect, Gary

  2. thank you G
    You have given me knew ideas.
    I am glad you find it funny- I find you comments funny - shag pile and carpet laying more jokes! Hip hip horray!
    a new spin from a funny canadian
    cheers and I hope your new year is better than you can imagine

  3. Hi Kerrie; My first time here but not my last. I enjoyed your post and I can relate to getting ideas and muttering to self. Hope you and yours have a wonderful New Year and that many joys come your way.

  4. HI Heather
    thanks for your comments and I am glad you will come back.. may your New year full of blessings

  5. Oh, so that’s what lumber means! I could have enjoyed my visits to Scotland far more, had I have learned the language.

    A very happy new year to you, Kerrie

  6. Hi Kerrie. Like Gary (Klahanie), above, the expression 'tossing the parson's noce across the lawn' made me laugh and then he 'pulled out his Zills during the performance'.
    You might want to think about posting a translation!
    Have a great New Year with best wishes from Bazza of ‘To Discover Ice’

  7. HI B
    so glad I made you laugh but
    translations are for wimps; better to let the colour of lanugage tempt people to make their own conclusion.
    cheers and thanks

  8. This is hilarious as usual Kerrie! Yeah the language could be a tad confusing at times, ha ha. Thanks for coming by and commenting on my Christmassy post! Happy 2011!

  9. I was oddly stimulated by this story of impossible missionaries. I found it amusing as heck, too. I found your site through Gary's and Bazza's. Just thought you should know so you can blame them. Or something.

    Aloha and good night

  10. HI Kelly
    thanks for investigating my site so glad you are 'oddly stimulated' please feel free to investigate any time. And good sir I am just about to pay a visit to your good self!
    Hi L'Aussie
    thanks for your comments to please an aussie says Nefertiti is just that little bit extra special
    HI cup cake
    Nefertiti says that you are the tits and then she remembered that she is supposed to be a lady!

  11. Hi Kerrie! Back! Waiting for your next post ha ha!

    I especially came by to thank you for responding to my 'disaster' post. I appreciated your thoughts. I kept my head above water and am now watching the river go down. I am still isolated in the CBD as am surrounded by water and no businesses are operating. The shovelling of much mud begins...

    BTW I have a Publication Party started on my blog. I'd love it if you could come by and read what authors have to say about getting published. Perhaps you could leave a comment about your aspirations in language only you can use. There are prizes each week. Please come by. The champagne's free!

    Denise :)

  12. Well, dang it all to heck, Kerrie (please pardon my offensive language), I wanted to see a brand new spankin' post from you but it is not here!

    Oh well. At least I'm keeping my word about coming to your witty, entertaining site. While some lands are flooded, others are in the grip of never ending ice, snow and sub-freezing temps that have been going on since the beginning of December. For once, I'd like to go to my mailbox without losing a digit to frostbite.

    Take care, Kerrie.


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