Wednesday, 26 January 2011

Celticus oh Maximus

It was a water pipe like no other; a water pipe so large it took a camel and 2 monks to carry it!
So Rodger said.
But Rodger’s a bit ‘random’ at the moment; if he not talking about his ‘Sc Fi for the dyslexic novel’ he’s talking about his latest creation - his tomatoes that defy winter. Although with the co op nearby selling ‘buy one get one free’ and ‘last chance before it off offers’; why we need to grow our own is beyond me.
Rodger claims they are ‘organic’.
But as I says to my little ‘cup cake ’day old teabags do not improve one’s greens, nor is burying one’s condoms in a compost heap I mean what good is a bio degradable condom? ....
Even the slugs turn up their nose at our compost.
I just think Rodger fancies a green house (shed with a Velux) ; he spends his time smoking his water pipes there while pondering Sheila and her whip. And now Shifty has joined him; a barman who thinks karaoke is class! Shifty claims that a water pipe stimulates his intellectual prowess, soya implants for the menopausal is his latest idea. Talk about bringing something to the table!
So you can understand me not getting excited about the suggested night out. Water pipes at the ABC . The world largest water pipe or hookah making an entrance with the Celticus oh maximus pipe band, don’t get me wrong, to see a man master the art of blowing is quite an impressive thing but is it worth a 2 hour journey in the car with Shifty driving – a man in touch with the woman inside?
‘I am ‘feng-chewing’ my bedroom’ he says while negotiating a roundabout in fifth ... Apparently decluttering you smalls along with having a well hung wardrobe is what it is all about when it comes to attracting a male of the Elton John variety... As I marvelled at the cars abilities to judder and over take at the same time Shifty continue on with his ‘all things Eastern theme’.
‘It’s all to do with freeing up the life force’ he says, stamping on the clutch, ‘allowing things to flow’.
The only thing I need to get a free flowing life force is a few prunes...
I didn’t say that to Shifty though, the car’s juddering had turned it an epileptic fit and the said vehicle we were overtaking was playing his horn like a bugle.
Celticus oh maximus was ok if you into underage brave hearts with an aging (if that is possible) Rolling Stones band. They played music of the ‘we have funked up the bagpipe’ variety and hipped it up even more with a dance group called Random as !! .
Now if Shifty has discovered the woman inside these dancers had taken the woman inside and thrust her onto the audience like a filleted herring. They were doing that street dance which unless you’re American of the dark skinned persuasion looks as gay as Liberace in panto. The fact they were dressed out a track suit from Primart didn’t make any difference. Their face said it all, ‘love the woman in my pelvis darling’; ‘ I fill your bag pips to the brim hot buns’ or ‘I am mad as hell but nothing a little butter wouldn’t cure!’ . It was a painful thing to watch as painful as watching an Ole Rudgy attempt to chat up his cleaner while balancing on a Zimmer with his dentures vainly trying to bungee jumping from his gums.
But when the hookah was brought (on pantomime camel) onto the stage I just about chocked on my Bacardi.
To suck or not to suck that is the question,’ shouts a voice from the audience. (I presume they meant on a Hooka) and I had had enough.
I headed for the chippy!
I am sorry but I as an esteemed belly dancing mentor I cannot stand by and watch the abuse of an Arabic pleasure tool. I’d rather drown my lips in salt and vinegar – my hips, darling can take it!
Still Shifty enjoyed it, mind you, he was under the influence of enough Dolly Parton cocktails to make swanking ( a walk only to be seen in Glasgow ) in Ugg boots not only possible but in time with the Celticus oh maximus . A feat that even I could not attempt but then darling Ugg boots are so not Nefertiti...I am more a straps with slight discomfort woman.
I am sorry but no more instalment of the Sheila and her whip variety this week. Rodger printed his latest instalment out on organic wheat free paper; which turns out to be far more biodegrade than his condoms...oh well at least the slugs hit the big time!

7 comments:

  1. Their face said it all, ‘love the woman in my pelvis darling’; ‘ I fill your bag pips to the brim hot buns’ or ‘I am mad as hell but nothing a little butter wouldn’t cure!’ . Hahaha... That was funny. Every time I read the exploits of Rodger, I feel as though I've fallen into a completely off-kilter kind of world, Kerrie. Quite a ride, you provide. Thank you. Now, where can I find a hoo...?

    Take care, milady.

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  2. Ah Ha! Well looky what I found on the internet.

    http://www.thenewcurrent.com/2010/07/08/edinburgh-fringe-2010-interview-kerrie-ross-nefertitis-unveiled/

    I didn't know you were a stand up comedian. I read your interview here and saw the youtube video. Hysterical! I especially enjoyed the song you sang at the end. Great stuff.

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  3. Hi Kerrie,
    I thought it was about time I came over here and when I say, 'came', that would not be like the "orgasms of a 16 year old with his first porn mag.":-)
    Dear lady, you have a great talent and your way with words such as, "But as I says to my little ‘cup cake ’day old teabags do not improve one’s greens, nor is burying one’s condoms in a compost heap I mean what good is a bio degradable condom? .... Even the slugs turn up their nose at our compost." Well Kerrie that just about made me piddle my pants. Well almost...hang on. Right then, where was I? Oh yeah, I checked out the link that Kelly shoved up above me and I am very impressed. And more importantly your heart's in the right place. Mine, evidently is on my sleeve. You want to make people laugh, bring joy into their world. That is a very good thing. Excellent stuff!
    And speaking of Liberace, apparently he was jealous of Elton John. Something about pianist envy:-)
    With kindness and much respect, your way, Gary
    :-)

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  4. I think Shifty’s right, karaoke is class.

    By the sound of it, you did the right thing though, going down the chippy. Glad to see the great Nefertiti’s got such good taste in food :)
    The enigmatic, masked blogger

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  5. Hi K and K
    thanks you both for your comments and interest you know I have been smilling for days
    nothing pleases me more than making folk laugh except when I get back such witty replies such pianist envy and where can i find a hoo...
    I wanted to write more but I have been thinking for days about a witty reply but have none up my sleeve so thanks for the tits of a reply!!

    Rodger head is getting to big for his boots!


    Hi B F K
    chippy and karaoke go together like, bankers and w~~~~rs, like bacon and eggs and porn...no thing goes with porn except a very sacasitic sense of humour that is also required to watch the X Factor with
    thanks you for your visits
    K

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  6. Hey! When are you going to write up another post? I vow not to feed my pussy (cat) until you create another story. No pressure, though. :-)

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