Sunday, 7 March 2010

the retreat December 2009

Rodger says I am all stressed out for Christmas, he says I should relax otherwise my Pandora magnificence in the panto will not be up to her usual.

So he booked me into a retreat- a dance retreat, next week I will be getting touch with the goddess within and the mother earth out with.

Salutations to the sun


The retreat was not a great experience.

It was contact dance- no music- just rolling around on the floor with old men and hairy lesbians. Not that I have anything against old men or lesbians, some of my best customers are old and I never comment on their hair. The amount of hair on ones body is all subject to taste, it's just that I don't like a mouthful of it, especially unaccompanied by music.

The couple in charge where into all things "tantric" and were not afraid to show it. They along with a rather attractive Polish man spent their spare time rolling about on the floor like teenagers on Viagra- in the pursuit of the perfect massage. I am telling you it was enough to put you off your camomile.

They suggested we get in touch with our inner animal and make as much noise as possible. We were all given the "freedom" to choose what ever animal we felt was lurking in the corners of one inner child. Cat seemed to be the most popular - something to do with stroking and rubbing.

An elderly gent (who was known to carried his teeth about in a box in his pocket) decided that he was a gorilla - looking for a mate. He stood up, beat his chest and started to growl. It was only after his second coughing fit that the "gorilla" decided that there were probably more advantages to being a cat, and that a good stroke was probably the best he could hope for, even with his teeth in!

That afternoon I tried to leave but was stopped at the gate.
"Don't be afraid of what you feel," they said "this is you chance to heal what is within you just have to be with it!"

Two days later I still had no idea what I was supposed to "be with" but I knew where I didn't want to be- at that retreat - it was cleaning day and the last thing I felt like doing was polish the toilet of said gorilla /cats.

Oh and by the way everyone had a frigging cold!

Since then I have been in bed with a cold dreaming about toothless lesbians and hairy men with toenails even a bird of prey would be ashamed of- not even Rodger's balsamic vinegar rubs make me feel better.

For now, the sun can shove it's salutations


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